I've been on a journey of voracious reading in the last month. I've bought several books on Anglo-Saxon spirituality, shamanism, and traditions, all in the search for the meaning of "wyrd". This journey began a few months ago, when I had an internal question about appropriation of a faith tradition of an indigenous people. Then it led me to try to discover my own ancestry. Then I had to spend some time coming to terms with White Privilege and racism in general, and how the desire to find out more about 'whiteness' can become a thin line between racial pride and racial prejudice. This is not something I ever intended, but I feel I have grown in my perspectives.
So, I'm a white woman, with German and English roots, who is looking up Anglo-Saxon heritage, Anglo-Saxon religion, and the word "wyrd". I adopted the name "The Wyrd Woman" because I feel that is who I am: a woman who explores the meaning of "wyrd" and strives to live a life of purposeful actions. I lived a long life in a reactionary state to my surroundings, and I intend to live the remaining portion making purposeful choices and directing my own journey.
I am exploring the possibility of starting a group for "wyrd" people in my community, but I feel I need to be able to confidently articulate what "wyrd" means, and why people would be willing to meet together under that name. We are all living in an awakening society, with the awareness of racism and how it affects us all. White people are slowly realizing the world they live in was contoured to their needs and their desires, and that others have been forced to live on the fringes, coping and surviving the best ways they can. I am not trying to start a "white" support group. This isn't about that, and I am looking for ways to avoid the automatic assumption that being "wyrd" means being "white". I happen to be white, but I don't want to be defined by it. I want to be defined as "wyrd". I want to dive into the spiritual connections of my ancient ancestors of Northern Europe, England and Scotland. I want to stop borrowing from indigenous American cultures, Asian cultures and Hispanic cultures and learn more about my own ancestry and roots. I want to know what my ancestors practiced, and what their rituals were.
In Anglo-Saxon culture, "wyrd" is roughly akin to destiny or fate. Their concept of "wyrd" is that there is no resisting it. I feel this is true in certain aspects, like the family you are born into, the place you are raised in during your childhood, your siblings and extended family are all part of fate, they are predetermined and not changeable. Other things seem like destiny, like meeting certain people and not being able to shake the feeling that you have known them from some time before. I think often of circumstances that led me to meet certain people that could not have happened except for fate. I also believe there are certain things that we can do to shape our destiny, we can change the direction of our lives by education, by involving ourselves in social justice activism, by promoting the things we love. This is what I would like to do with a group: I would like to explore the many paths of enlightenment and education that could help us individually and collectively change our destiny.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
The Wiccan in the Iowa State House
I attended the morning session of the Iowa House on April 9th, when my friend Deb Maynard gave the opening invocation that was supposedly so controversial, a throng of Christian zealots came to witness and oppose it, even before she spoke. They had decided beforehand that she would be praying to demons and spirits, and casting a dark shadow over the lawmakers, so they had come to counteract her invocation with prayers of their own.
Our little Pagan group of supporters sat in the upper gallery to watch our friend on this historic occasion, and we also got to witness firsthand, the actions of the Christians who were present. One woman dressed in a powder-blue pantsuit was standing and praying, murmuring to herself quietly even before the session was called to order. On the other side of the gallery seating, separated by a balcony partition, another man was standing with his hands up midway, praying in a stance that is often seen in Pagan Spiritual circles when we invoke the elements and quarters. We were dressed in very nice, clean, almost clergy-like vestments, and he was wearing a casual shirt, shorts and sandals. Several members of the Christian group had previously inquired if we were there to help pray against the Wiccan, and we had to shake our heads and point them to the folks on the other side. "No, we are here to support Deb Maynard". They seemed to be in shock that our friend would have supporters present at all, and that we would look so clean and presentable that they would actually mistake us for the Christian activists looking to counteract the "evil powers".
Deb gave an amazing and well-thought and well-planned invocation:
Who was offended by that? At least one of the Iowa Representatives postured for the news media and turned his back to Deb as she was giving the invocation. He said later that he thought that's what Jesus would have done.
Right, like Jesus was a self-righteous, uptight jerk who would have pre-judged an earnest prayer for justice, equity and compassion, just because it wasn't specifically and exclusively addressed to "God".
Our little Pagan group of supporters sat in the upper gallery to watch our friend on this historic occasion, and we also got to witness firsthand, the actions of the Christians who were present. One woman dressed in a powder-blue pantsuit was standing and praying, murmuring to herself quietly even before the session was called to order. On the other side of the gallery seating, separated by a balcony partition, another man was standing with his hands up midway, praying in a stance that is often seen in Pagan Spiritual circles when we invoke the elements and quarters. We were dressed in very nice, clean, almost clergy-like vestments, and he was wearing a casual shirt, shorts and sandals. Several members of the Christian group had previously inquired if we were there to help pray against the Wiccan, and we had to shake our heads and point them to the folks on the other side. "No, we are here to support Deb Maynard". They seemed to be in shock that our friend would have supporters present at all, and that we would look so clean and presentable that they would actually mistake us for the Christian activists looking to counteract the "evil powers".
Deb gave an amazing and well-thought and well-planned invocation:
"We call this morning to God,
Goddess, Universe, that which is greater than ourselves to be here
with us today.
By the Earth that is in our bones and
centers us, may all here remember our roots and those whom we are
here to represent.
By the fire that gives us light and
passion, may all here remain passionate about the work that must be
done for the people of Iowa.
By the air that gives us breath and
logic, may all here find thoughtful solutions to the problems that
are presented.
By the water that flows through our
blood and stirs our emotions, may all here draw on that emotional
intelligence which helps us to see the inherent worth and dignity of
every person.
We call this morning to Spirit, which
is ever present, to help us respect the interdependent web of all
existence of which we are a part. Be with this legislative body and
guide them to seek justice, equity and compassion in the work that is
before them today.
Blessed Be, Aho, and Amen."
Who was offended by that? At least one of the Iowa Representatives postured for the news media and turned his back to Deb as she was giving the invocation. He said later that he thought that's what Jesus would have done.
Right, like Jesus was a self-righteous, uptight jerk who would have pre-judged an earnest prayer for justice, equity and compassion, just because it wasn't specifically and exclusively addressed to "God".
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Religious Freedom
Here's the real issue: Hyper-Conservative Christians want Freedom of Religion to envelope them wherever they go and whatever they do, 24-7. They want the right to be out in the secular public conducting business and vying for our money, but they also want their religious freedom to extend to the threshold of their businesses. Religious Freedom means being able to wear whatever clothing, jewelry, scarves, hats, shoes or other vestments that declare your religious affiliations and beliefs without persecution from the Government, not from individual people. Religious Freedom means being able to attend any house of worship at any time of your choosing, any day of the week, for whatever spiritual and religious purposes fit your needs, without the restraint of the Government, not without the limits of the hours of availability of that particular church, or place of worship. Churches do close for the night, and ministers do sleep, so there really isn't a lot of demand for 24 hour worship centers, and no one is complaining that the Government is "preventing the free exercise of religious belief" when these worship centers lock their doors.
Religious Freedom means being able to have your photo taken at the DOT with a colander on your head. If Jews and Muslims can wear yarmulkes and scarves, you can wear a spaghetti strainer. That's the law and that's your right to do so, without persecution or infringement by the Government. Religious Freedom does NOT prevent individuals from pointing at you and laughing about you when you are exercising your religious beliefs. They just can't come over and punch you. That's assault, and that's what the law does, it protects everyone and treats us all equally. Religious Freedom means I can wear a silver pentagram ring on my left hand and my employer cannot demand that I remove it during working hours because my co-worker is a devout Christian and is frightened by the symbol. That's what the secular laws do: they protect me as much as everyone else when I exercise my religious beliefs in public.
If I choose, I can start a business, where I ask for Government-backed legal tender in the form of paper bills and coins. When I offer goods and services to the public in exchange for Government funded certificates authorizing the exchange of these goods for credits that are stored in a bank (also backed by the Government and insured by the Government) I must treat everyone who exchanges these bills for my services EQUALLY, with no regard to their religious beliefs, OR MY OWN. I cannot refuse to offer my services or goods to anyone presenting legal tender just because I feel that my particular god does not approve of their particular god (or lack thereof). I cannot force the aura of my Freedom of Religion to extend to the threshold of my business, where I am exchanging goods and services for Government-backed funds. Freedom of Religious Expression rests solely on the person, not on their business.
No one is preventing me the right to exercise my religion by limiting my ability to discriminate against people who do not agree with my religious views. I do not have the right to own and operate a business, I have a privilege to own and operate a business, guided by Government laws and regulations, taxed and licensed by Government oversight departments like the IRS and the EPA and OSHA. I am not an island of religious beliefs, and if I want to have the Government money, the Government services and the Government protections, I have to live with and respect the rule of law and open my business to anyone with legal tender, who is desirous to purchase the service, and I cannot refuse to serve them based only on my religious views. I can refuse based on a large array of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with religion, things that would place me in a harmful situation like having drunk patrons or gun-toting lunatics. Yeah, I can kick them right out. But if I have a thought that you might not agree with my religious beliefs, and even if I think you might be living completely contrary to the way I would choose to live, I cannot refuse to do business with you.
I am not a business owner. I can discriminate against anyone I choose by simply not sitting next to them, not talking to them, not even looking at them. I can refuse to stand in line with someone I don't particularly like. I can wait for the next train if I don't like the way the car looks when it arrives. I can sit at a table alone in a restaurant and not be seated with people who I probably don't agree with. Those are my Religious Freedoms. I exercise them daily by moving my body and closing my mouth. Religious Freedom does not mean I can place my body wherever I want and insist on my religious beliefs getting observed by everyone around me or I'm being "repressed" or "attacked".
If someone is uncomfortable around me and my pentagram ring, they can remove themselves, they can talk about me to others, they can call attention to it and ridicule me, but they cannot have me arrested. That's Religious Freedom. I have to understand that wearing the pentagram comes with risks like this, just like Jews understand the risks of wearing their hair in long locks and Muslims understand the stares caused by a hijab. They are not "free" from the stares and the mocking. They ARE free from being thrown in prison, and they ARE free to practice their faith in public, all the time, wherever they are. If they are beaten by a mob, they are the victim, and the mob is the perpetrator.
Business owners who discriminate against paying customers who don't adhere to their particular religious systems are demanding a special protection from the Government, because they need assurance that they live their religion openly and without persecution from individuals that they will discriminate against. This is not Religious Freedom. This is a specific demand that the Government extend the aura of personal religious belief to the threshold of a public business, in a secular society with the express purpose of separating Religion from Government.
Government cannot intervene to protect bigotry and discrimination. These are personal choices, not Religious Freedom. Shut your businesses down, go isolate yourselves in communes of people who believe what you believe, and do business with them. Trade for chickens, trade for vegetables, trade for labor. But don't demand the use of Government money, Government services and Government enforcement to uphold your religious views. That's where the line is drawn.
Religious Freedom means being able to have your photo taken at the DOT with a colander on your head. If Jews and Muslims can wear yarmulkes and scarves, you can wear a spaghetti strainer. That's the law and that's your right to do so, without persecution or infringement by the Government. Religious Freedom does NOT prevent individuals from pointing at you and laughing about you when you are exercising your religious beliefs. They just can't come over and punch you. That's assault, and that's what the law does, it protects everyone and treats us all equally. Religious Freedom means I can wear a silver pentagram ring on my left hand and my employer cannot demand that I remove it during working hours because my co-worker is a devout Christian and is frightened by the symbol. That's what the secular laws do: they protect me as much as everyone else when I exercise my religious beliefs in public.
If I choose, I can start a business, where I ask for Government-backed legal tender in the form of paper bills and coins. When I offer goods and services to the public in exchange for Government funded certificates authorizing the exchange of these goods for credits that are stored in a bank (also backed by the Government and insured by the Government) I must treat everyone who exchanges these bills for my services EQUALLY, with no regard to their religious beliefs, OR MY OWN. I cannot refuse to offer my services or goods to anyone presenting legal tender just because I feel that my particular god does not approve of their particular god (or lack thereof). I cannot force the aura of my Freedom of Religion to extend to the threshold of my business, where I am exchanging goods and services for Government-backed funds. Freedom of Religious Expression rests solely on the person, not on their business.
No one is preventing me the right to exercise my religion by limiting my ability to discriminate against people who do not agree with my religious views. I do not have the right to own and operate a business, I have a privilege to own and operate a business, guided by Government laws and regulations, taxed and licensed by Government oversight departments like the IRS and the EPA and OSHA. I am not an island of religious beliefs, and if I want to have the Government money, the Government services and the Government protections, I have to live with and respect the rule of law and open my business to anyone with legal tender, who is desirous to purchase the service, and I cannot refuse to serve them based only on my religious views. I can refuse based on a large array of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with religion, things that would place me in a harmful situation like having drunk patrons or gun-toting lunatics. Yeah, I can kick them right out. But if I have a thought that you might not agree with my religious beliefs, and even if I think you might be living completely contrary to the way I would choose to live, I cannot refuse to do business with you.
I am not a business owner. I can discriminate against anyone I choose by simply not sitting next to them, not talking to them, not even looking at them. I can refuse to stand in line with someone I don't particularly like. I can wait for the next train if I don't like the way the car looks when it arrives. I can sit at a table alone in a restaurant and not be seated with people who I probably don't agree with. Those are my Religious Freedoms. I exercise them daily by moving my body and closing my mouth. Religious Freedom does not mean I can place my body wherever I want and insist on my religious beliefs getting observed by everyone around me or I'm being "repressed" or "attacked".
If someone is uncomfortable around me and my pentagram ring, they can remove themselves, they can talk about me to others, they can call attention to it and ridicule me, but they cannot have me arrested. That's Religious Freedom. I have to understand that wearing the pentagram comes with risks like this, just like Jews understand the risks of wearing their hair in long locks and Muslims understand the stares caused by a hijab. They are not "free" from the stares and the mocking. They ARE free from being thrown in prison, and they ARE free to practice their faith in public, all the time, wherever they are. If they are beaten by a mob, they are the victim, and the mob is the perpetrator.
Business owners who discriminate against paying customers who don't adhere to their particular religious systems are demanding a special protection from the Government, because they need assurance that they live their religion openly and without persecution from individuals that they will discriminate against. This is not Religious Freedom. This is a specific demand that the Government extend the aura of personal religious belief to the threshold of a public business, in a secular society with the express purpose of separating Religion from Government.
Government cannot intervene to protect bigotry and discrimination. These are personal choices, not Religious Freedom. Shut your businesses down, go isolate yourselves in communes of people who believe what you believe, and do business with them. Trade for chickens, trade for vegetables, trade for labor. But don't demand the use of Government money, Government services and Government enforcement to uphold your religious views. That's where the line is drawn.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
The Wiccan at the Statehouse
On Thursday, April 9th, my good friend Deb Maynard will be presenting the invocation at the Iowa Statehouse. She's a Wiccan Priestess. This is evidently the first time any State Representative has invited a clergy member of some faith other than Christianity to make the invocation, and our local news is calling it an "unusual choice" and "controversial" with many "unanswered questions".
Total Bullshit. They are trying to make a news story out of nothing. The real controversy is: Why are we still having invocations to any deity from any religion in our government system?
The issue: Since the Iowa Statehouse insists on following through with their traditional prayers, and since Iowa is also an equality state, all religions have to be treated the same. Therefore, we get to have a Wiccan priestess do the invocation. The resistance to equality is why the Satanic Church and the Pastafarians fight for the rights to represent their religious movement when the state has chosen one to promote (Christianity). Now that Deb has been invited to do the invocation, they can't revoke it, or they will create the controversy they are wishing to avoid.
I would like to take the day off to be there when she gives the invocation. There needs to be a few representatives of the Wiccan religion so that she doesn't have to shoulder the responsibility all on her own. I even commented on the local news story online, using my real name. If anyone cares about a Wiccan Priestess being allowed the same privilege a Christian minister receives, they will be reading that comment section. I'd like to see a bunch more names on that list before April 9th.
Is our local news TRYING to make sure there are protests at the Statehouse that day? Do they want to inform the Christian majority that a Wiccan Priestess will be available to verbally attack and spit on? I think that Iowa is not Alabama, and that this will just be another day of business for our lawmakers. We won't have to worry about which God is going to get to rule for the day based on who said the prayer that morning. It's not going to have an affect on the sane people.
Total Bullshit. They are trying to make a news story out of nothing. The real controversy is: Why are we still having invocations to any deity from any religion in our government system?
The issue: Since the Iowa Statehouse insists on following through with their traditional prayers, and since Iowa is also an equality state, all religions have to be treated the same. Therefore, we get to have a Wiccan priestess do the invocation. The resistance to equality is why the Satanic Church and the Pastafarians fight for the rights to represent their religious movement when the state has chosen one to promote (Christianity). Now that Deb has been invited to do the invocation, they can't revoke it, or they will create the controversy they are wishing to avoid.
I would like to take the day off to be there when she gives the invocation. There needs to be a few representatives of the Wiccan religion so that she doesn't have to shoulder the responsibility all on her own. I even commented on the local news story online, using my real name. If anyone cares about a Wiccan Priestess being allowed the same privilege a Christian minister receives, they will be reading that comment section. I'd like to see a bunch more names on that list before April 9th.
Is our local news TRYING to make sure there are protests at the Statehouse that day? Do they want to inform the Christian majority that a Wiccan Priestess will be available to verbally attack and spit on? I think that Iowa is not Alabama, and that this will just be another day of business for our lawmakers. We won't have to worry about which God is going to get to rule for the day based on who said the prayer that morning. It's not going to have an affect on the sane people.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Fake it Till You Make it
I really hate this phrase. I heard it twice today, and it made me cringe with memories of the admonishment to "pretend I know things that I don't know." Today's context was to let go of my definitions of faith and allow myself to take part in the rituals and beliefs of others, even if I don't personally agree with their views. I think this is a mistake. Taking a passive approach and quietly accepting the views imposed without contradiction and without resistance is not something I can do. I don't go to church anymore for a specific reason. I decided that I could no longer support their views and passively sit through their services as if I was a believing member of their church. My physical presence there led others to believe I was one of them, that I believed what they believed and that I could be counted among them. I chose to remove myself when I stopped believing their version of religious belief.
Some people chose to stay in, and be that "secret unbeliever". They actively choose keep feeding the religion, keeping their families happy, keeping the expectations up, attending their classes, doing the work. They are pretending. They are putting the happiness of others ahead of their own. They are catching moments of happiness here and there: a baptism, a wedding in the temple, watching loved ones accepting calls to perform missionary work. And they stay in because leaving would cause so much pain, and so much division in their families. They stay, even though they don't believe. And for some, when they seek counseling from the "clergy" (lay people with no actual credentials in ministry or counseling), they are told, in essence, "Fake It". Actually, what they say is, "Read. Ponder. Study Scripture. Pray". This is a -nothing- answer. And what they are subtly teaching you is to ignore your feelings and glom onto the feelings of others. Let their happiness be your guide. And don't, under any circumstances, share your doubts and your unbelief with any of them.
I've stayed out of that church and away from that religious system in order to be true to myself. One of the things I have consistently liked about my current church home is the recitation of a mantra: May our reason and our passion lead us to be true to ourselves, true to each other, and true to what we can, together, become. I've always liked this statement. Today I had this statement challenged with what, I feel, is a contradiction. "Fake it till you make it". Sorry. I can't pretend that I know what others believe they know. I did this for many years growing up, hoping for some sign, some personal revelation that what I professed to "know" in my religious life would actually be revealed to me as true, and not just an exercise in faith. That word, "faith", has come to mean the belief in things we are taught from a young age and that we hold on to no matter what contrary evidence reveals itself later in our lives. Our social standing in the church was measured by the strength of our testimony of faith in the teachings of that religion, which we took turns professing to one another on the first Sunday of every month. We were really very proud of ourselves for our faith, for our understanding of the structure of the One True Church, and for our belief that we were a "peculiar people" hand selected in the Latter-Days to receive the secret gnosis withheld from the common Christians, whom we sought to convert to "our" brand of Jesus gospel and restored "true" church of Christ. How arrogant.
I refuse to go back to this "Fake It" style, and yet.....
I have a spiritual struggle. I have tried to live as an atheist, even a militant atheist that willingly ridiculed the very idea of religion altogether. I have spent many months attacking religious beliefs as harmful to society, and indeed, many of them are dangerous. And yet.....
I have a desire for a spiritual practice, one that speaks to me and one that I can participate in fully with a group of people who "get it". I have found a comfort zone within the Unitarian Universalist Church where I can exercise this muscle and get the nourishment that I need, in some respects. As a matter of personal principle, I have refused to sing or say the word "amen" during any church gathering. Everyone knows this about me and accepts this choice, with no pressure and no guilt or shame against me for declining to participate. I don't stand about with my arms crossed and frown, but I do have one line I won't cross willingly, and thankfully, I am under no requirement to do so. There are no rights of passage that I will miss for my failure to believe. I won't miss baptisms, christenings, weddings or other gatherings because of my refusal to conform to a belief. This brings me great comfort. I feel like I can participate in this community.
Today's remarks from the pulpit made me feel uneasy, and a bit ashamed for being that person who sometimes points out the absurdity of religious beliefs. I felt that I was being pressured to let go of my unbelief and my resistance and let down my crossed arms and participate in the rituals once I learn to let go of the definitions surrounding "faith". It put the problem back in my lap, and made me be the one to have to resolve it and get around it to "get along" with the rest of society. I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I should have to do this. I would rather just not be there in the first place, let them have their rituals, let them believe their wishes are heard by some old Father figure in the above that listens and cares. I have enough life experience to know that if there were some such figure to pray to, he or she does not listen and does not step in to stop horrible things from happening. And because they don't, they are not worth praying to in the first place.
Pretending that you also believe in the same things your neighbors and friends believe just to not make waves and not start conflicts is not being true to yourself, in my opinion. And even if it made me feel good for the short time I was with them, it would eventually come back to me as a time I was actually "fake". Worse, it would be stacked among all the other times I was "fake" and used to convince me that I must have truly believed at some point, and then I have been a liar ever since the day I stopped believing. That is the fight I have today with those who knew me then, those who still see me as one who 'secretly believes' but has been persuaded by some evil force and has been led astray temporarily. See, they remember that I can "fake it". And they would rather have that version of me back in their lives than what they have now: A person who is living true to themselves and who has ceased remaining quiet in the corner, passively accepting and helping others maintain the status quo. That's who they miss and who they want.
I'm not going back. It causes a lot of grief and heartache but I won't go back. It's like being asked to live in a box the rest of my life and I just can't do it. Being true to oneself often comes at the expense of others, but it has to happen eventually or you live your life splintered, always working to please someone else, Mental illness springs from this fountain, and I've seen it happen far too often to ever want to go down that road.
Some people chose to stay in, and be that "secret unbeliever". They actively choose keep feeding the religion, keeping their families happy, keeping the expectations up, attending their classes, doing the work. They are pretending. They are putting the happiness of others ahead of their own. They are catching moments of happiness here and there: a baptism, a wedding in the temple, watching loved ones accepting calls to perform missionary work. And they stay in because leaving would cause so much pain, and so much division in their families. They stay, even though they don't believe. And for some, when they seek counseling from the "clergy" (lay people with no actual credentials in ministry or counseling), they are told, in essence, "Fake It". Actually, what they say is, "Read. Ponder. Study Scripture. Pray". This is a -nothing- answer. And what they are subtly teaching you is to ignore your feelings and glom onto the feelings of others. Let their happiness be your guide. And don't, under any circumstances, share your doubts and your unbelief with any of them.
I've stayed out of that church and away from that religious system in order to be true to myself. One of the things I have consistently liked about my current church home is the recitation of a mantra: May our reason and our passion lead us to be true to ourselves, true to each other, and true to what we can, together, become. I've always liked this statement. Today I had this statement challenged with what, I feel, is a contradiction. "Fake it till you make it". Sorry. I can't pretend that I know what others believe they know. I did this for many years growing up, hoping for some sign, some personal revelation that what I professed to "know" in my religious life would actually be revealed to me as true, and not just an exercise in faith. That word, "faith", has come to mean the belief in things we are taught from a young age and that we hold on to no matter what contrary evidence reveals itself later in our lives. Our social standing in the church was measured by the strength of our testimony of faith in the teachings of that religion, which we took turns professing to one another on the first Sunday of every month. We were really very proud of ourselves for our faith, for our understanding of the structure of the One True Church, and for our belief that we were a "peculiar people" hand selected in the Latter-Days to receive the secret gnosis withheld from the common Christians, whom we sought to convert to "our" brand of Jesus gospel and restored "true" church of Christ. How arrogant.
I refuse to go back to this "Fake It" style, and yet.....
I have a spiritual struggle. I have tried to live as an atheist, even a militant atheist that willingly ridiculed the very idea of religion altogether. I have spent many months attacking religious beliefs as harmful to society, and indeed, many of them are dangerous. And yet.....
I have a desire for a spiritual practice, one that speaks to me and one that I can participate in fully with a group of people who "get it". I have found a comfort zone within the Unitarian Universalist Church where I can exercise this muscle and get the nourishment that I need, in some respects. As a matter of personal principle, I have refused to sing or say the word "amen" during any church gathering. Everyone knows this about me and accepts this choice, with no pressure and no guilt or shame against me for declining to participate. I don't stand about with my arms crossed and frown, but I do have one line I won't cross willingly, and thankfully, I am under no requirement to do so. There are no rights of passage that I will miss for my failure to believe. I won't miss baptisms, christenings, weddings or other gatherings because of my refusal to conform to a belief. This brings me great comfort. I feel like I can participate in this community.
Today's remarks from the pulpit made me feel uneasy, and a bit ashamed for being that person who sometimes points out the absurdity of religious beliefs. I felt that I was being pressured to let go of my unbelief and my resistance and let down my crossed arms and participate in the rituals once I learn to let go of the definitions surrounding "faith". It put the problem back in my lap, and made me be the one to have to resolve it and get around it to "get along" with the rest of society. I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I should have to do this. I would rather just not be there in the first place, let them have their rituals, let them believe their wishes are heard by some old Father figure in the above that listens and cares. I have enough life experience to know that if there were some such figure to pray to, he or she does not listen and does not step in to stop horrible things from happening. And because they don't, they are not worth praying to in the first place.
Pretending that you also believe in the same things your neighbors and friends believe just to not make waves and not start conflicts is not being true to yourself, in my opinion. And even if it made me feel good for the short time I was with them, it would eventually come back to me as a time I was actually "fake". Worse, it would be stacked among all the other times I was "fake" and used to convince me that I must have truly believed at some point, and then I have been a liar ever since the day I stopped believing. That is the fight I have today with those who knew me then, those who still see me as one who 'secretly believes' but has been persuaded by some evil force and has been led astray temporarily. See, they remember that I can "fake it". And they would rather have that version of me back in their lives than what they have now: A person who is living true to themselves and who has ceased remaining quiet in the corner, passively accepting and helping others maintain the status quo. That's who they miss and who they want.
I'm not going back. It causes a lot of grief and heartache but I won't go back. It's like being asked to live in a box the rest of my life and I just can't do it. Being true to oneself often comes at the expense of others, but it has to happen eventually or you live your life splintered, always working to please someone else, Mental illness springs from this fountain, and I've seen it happen far too often to ever want to go down that road.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
"Faith"
Faith is a tricky word for me. Growing up as a Christian and as a Mormon, I connected the word "faith" with the understanding of being saved from Hell for my willingness to worship the right Deity, and for my loyalty to a particular viewpoint on how to do it. Straying from those teachings and doing things my own way was discouraged, even though the prescribed path was laid out by a human who was hearing God's voice and telling all of the rest of us what we were to do in order to be saved.
I had as much faith as anyone else I knew, which is to say that I went about my life professing to know things that I could not possibly know. I was taught to consider my feelings as an indicator of what I was experiencing, and to equate good feelings with truth, and bad feelings with sin. In this way, I started to divide my mind into separate compartments. One was for logic and reason, and one was for faith and testimony of things that I hoped were true, but that I could never prove beyond doubt. I struggled with doubt for many years, seeking guidance from the counselors of the religion that I was in, and seeking the assurance and the "knowing" that so many around me had gained.
One fateful day, the leader of the local congregation of Mormons asked if I would give a 20 minute talk during the Sunday service. He asked if I would talk about the ways in which one could maintain a testimony of the truthfulness in the Mormon church as a restored gospel of Jesus Christ in the Latter-Days. I worked very hard on that sermon, and what I came up with was a list of ways to ignore, avoid, and otherwise shelve the mountain of problems and inconsistencies that the religion had not addressed for it's 20th century adherents. I cautioned them to not read any information that might contradict their beliefs and taught them to use their feelings as a barometer when they were presented with contrary information.
This was in the very beginning days of the Internet, before Facebook, and before the widespread availability of information that was only previously found by accepting books from strangers as they marched in protest in front of the Mormon temples. It was really hard not to feel smug in those days, even feeling sorry for those who wouldn't be a part of our wonderful church and our wonderful religion. We felt chosen and special, and deep down we had a belief that they would perish in Hell while we would be saved in Heaven, but no one ever acted upon that belief like they really believed it. If I knew a person, and they professed to be my friend, all the while believing that I was doomed to punishment in Hell because I did not believe in their God, I would think very poorly of that person for not trying to save me from it every waking moment of their day. Such should be their "faith" in action. If they really believe it at all, instead of just pretending to know something they can't possibly know.
After I left Mormonism, I studied Pagan teachings and Earth-centered spirituality. I knew that I really felt the most at peace when I was near flowing water, and where green things grew. I wanted that kind of spiritual connection, because I was still using my feelings as a barometer of truth. Over the years I have realized the folly of this connection, because many times I have learned the truth about something I had previously thought I knew and it most definitely did not make me feel good. I had to get over that idea or be forever left behind in a world of fantasy and ignorance.
I have struggled lately with this word, "faith", because I connect it to being willfully ignorant. I have had many debates with family and friends who still use this word, even in the face of factual evidence they still choose to believe the stories and the timelines of their religion because they have "faith". Somehow they think that their "faith" is on equal standing with my knowledge. Or conversely, that my knowledge is somehow substandard to their "faith" because I came to my knowledge through other people's opinions and they have their faith as a gift from God.
Can Pagans have "faith"? I believe that they do use faith when knowing is not possible, not instead of knowing for certain. If one could know the truth, wouldn't they naturally prefer that? Would they give up their "faith" as a placeholder if real knowledge could be put in its place? I have come to see "God" as a placeholder for the unexplained in our universe. When things have an explanation, rooted in science and objective reasoning, then "God" gets smaller. It occupies less space in the mind. But totally eradicating "faith" from my psyche means having to explain every mystery, and some things just can't be explained yet. I can make up my own fantasy about how things might be in an afterlife, but until I get there, I can't possibly know. Therefore, it is wrong for me to tell anyone that I know what will happen after I die. I can only tell what I hope might happen.
As a Unitarian Universalist and as a Pagan, I have met others for whom the word "faith" has some bad history and memories attached. I'm still using my feelings as a barometer, and judging people with "faith" as people who are willfully ignorant, or who are just faking it because it makes them feel better about their current situations. I look back on my two years of involvement and evolution as a member of a church and as a leader in the Pagan community holding Sabbat celebrations and teaching Paganism 101 classes and I realize that I haven't had much positive thought about "faith", but I know that several members still have faith, they still speak freely about their faith. And it makes them feel better. It helps them cope with their lives. It gives them something to hope for in the future.
And what do I have, while I am on the free and responsible search for truth? Disdain and ridicule for those who still have faith that things will be brighter, that there is still hope for the human race. Maybe we are capable of receiving messages and inspirations from ancestors, guardians, spirit guides, Gods and Goddesses, Anunnaki , the Ascended Masters, Maybe it would be good for me to explore these options and try to exercise a bit of "faith" again. What could be the worst thing that would happen? Someone like me can come along and ridicule me for exercising hope for things which are not seen, and that would make them a jerk.
I had as much faith as anyone else I knew, which is to say that I went about my life professing to know things that I could not possibly know. I was taught to consider my feelings as an indicator of what I was experiencing, and to equate good feelings with truth, and bad feelings with sin. In this way, I started to divide my mind into separate compartments. One was for logic and reason, and one was for faith and testimony of things that I hoped were true, but that I could never prove beyond doubt. I struggled with doubt for many years, seeking guidance from the counselors of the religion that I was in, and seeking the assurance and the "knowing" that so many around me had gained.
One fateful day, the leader of the local congregation of Mormons asked if I would give a 20 minute talk during the Sunday service. He asked if I would talk about the ways in which one could maintain a testimony of the truthfulness in the Mormon church as a restored gospel of Jesus Christ in the Latter-Days. I worked very hard on that sermon, and what I came up with was a list of ways to ignore, avoid, and otherwise shelve the mountain of problems and inconsistencies that the religion had not addressed for it's 20th century adherents. I cautioned them to not read any information that might contradict their beliefs and taught them to use their feelings as a barometer when they were presented with contrary information.
This was in the very beginning days of the Internet, before Facebook, and before the widespread availability of information that was only previously found by accepting books from strangers as they marched in protest in front of the Mormon temples. It was really hard not to feel smug in those days, even feeling sorry for those who wouldn't be a part of our wonderful church and our wonderful religion. We felt chosen and special, and deep down we had a belief that they would perish in Hell while we would be saved in Heaven, but no one ever acted upon that belief like they really believed it. If I knew a person, and they professed to be my friend, all the while believing that I was doomed to punishment in Hell because I did not believe in their God, I would think very poorly of that person for not trying to save me from it every waking moment of their day. Such should be their "faith" in action. If they really believe it at all, instead of just pretending to know something they can't possibly know.
After I left Mormonism, I studied Pagan teachings and Earth-centered spirituality. I knew that I really felt the most at peace when I was near flowing water, and where green things grew. I wanted that kind of spiritual connection, because I was still using my feelings as a barometer of truth. Over the years I have realized the folly of this connection, because many times I have learned the truth about something I had previously thought I knew and it most definitely did not make me feel good. I had to get over that idea or be forever left behind in a world of fantasy and ignorance.
I have struggled lately with this word, "faith", because I connect it to being willfully ignorant. I have had many debates with family and friends who still use this word, even in the face of factual evidence they still choose to believe the stories and the timelines of their religion because they have "faith". Somehow they think that their "faith" is on equal standing with my knowledge. Or conversely, that my knowledge is somehow substandard to their "faith" because I came to my knowledge through other people's opinions and they have their faith as a gift from God.
Can Pagans have "faith"? I believe that they do use faith when knowing is not possible, not instead of knowing for certain. If one could know the truth, wouldn't they naturally prefer that? Would they give up their "faith" as a placeholder if real knowledge could be put in its place? I have come to see "God" as a placeholder for the unexplained in our universe. When things have an explanation, rooted in science and objective reasoning, then "God" gets smaller. It occupies less space in the mind. But totally eradicating "faith" from my psyche means having to explain every mystery, and some things just can't be explained yet. I can make up my own fantasy about how things might be in an afterlife, but until I get there, I can't possibly know. Therefore, it is wrong for me to tell anyone that I know what will happen after I die. I can only tell what I hope might happen.
As a Unitarian Universalist and as a Pagan, I have met others for whom the word "faith" has some bad history and memories attached. I'm still using my feelings as a barometer, and judging people with "faith" as people who are willfully ignorant, or who are just faking it because it makes them feel better about their current situations. I look back on my two years of involvement and evolution as a member of a church and as a leader in the Pagan community holding Sabbat celebrations and teaching Paganism 101 classes and I realize that I haven't had much positive thought about "faith", but I know that several members still have faith, they still speak freely about their faith. And it makes them feel better. It helps them cope with their lives. It gives them something to hope for in the future.
And what do I have, while I am on the free and responsible search for truth? Disdain and ridicule for those who still have faith that things will be brighter, that there is still hope for the human race. Maybe we are capable of receiving messages and inspirations from ancestors, guardians, spirit guides, Gods and Goddesses, Anunnaki , the Ascended Masters, Maybe it would be good for me to explore these options and try to exercise a bit of "faith" again. What could be the worst thing that would happen? Someone like me can come along and ridicule me for exercising hope for things which are not seen, and that would make them a jerk.
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