Faith is a tricky word for me. Growing up as a Christian and as a Mormon, I connected the word "faith" with the understanding of being saved from Hell for my willingness to worship the right Deity, and for my loyalty to a particular viewpoint on how to do it. Straying from those teachings and doing things my own way was discouraged, even though the prescribed path was laid out by a human who was hearing God's voice and telling all of the rest of us what we were to do in order to be saved.
I had as much faith as anyone else I knew, which is to say that I went about my life professing to know things that I could not possibly know. I was taught to consider my feelings as an indicator of what I was experiencing, and to equate good feelings with truth, and bad feelings with sin. In this way, I started to divide my mind into separate compartments. One was for logic and reason, and one was for faith and testimony of things that I hoped were true, but that I could never prove beyond doubt. I struggled with doubt for many years, seeking guidance from the counselors of the religion that I was in, and seeking the assurance and the "knowing" that so many around me had gained.
One fateful day, the leader of the local congregation of Mormons asked if I would give a 20 minute talk during the Sunday service. He asked if I would talk about the ways in which one could maintain a testimony of the truthfulness in the Mormon church as a restored gospel of Jesus Christ in the Latter-Days. I worked very hard on that sermon, and what I came up with was a list of ways to ignore, avoid, and otherwise shelve the mountain of problems and inconsistencies that the religion had not addressed for it's 20th century adherents. I cautioned them to not read any information that might contradict their beliefs and taught them to use their feelings as a barometer when they were presented with contrary information.
This was in the very beginning days of the Internet, before Facebook, and before the widespread availability of information that was only previously found by accepting books from strangers as they marched in protest in front of the Mormon temples. It was really hard not to feel smug in those days, even feeling sorry for those who wouldn't be a part of our wonderful church and our wonderful religion. We felt chosen and special, and deep down we had a belief that they would perish in Hell while we would be saved in Heaven, but no one ever acted upon that belief like they really believed it. If I knew a person, and they professed to be my friend, all the while believing that I was doomed to punishment in Hell because I did not believe in their God, I would think very poorly of that person for not trying to save me from it every waking moment of their day. Such should be their "faith" in action. If they really believe it at all, instead of just pretending to know something they can't possibly know.
After I left Mormonism, I studied Pagan teachings and Earth-centered spirituality. I knew that I really felt the most at peace when I was near flowing water, and where green things grew. I wanted that kind of spiritual connection, because I was still using my feelings as a barometer of truth. Over the years I have realized the folly of this connection, because many times I have learned the truth about something I had previously thought I knew and it most definitely did not make me feel good. I had to get over that idea or be forever left behind in a world of fantasy and ignorance.
I have struggled lately with this word, "faith", because I connect it to being willfully ignorant. I have had many debates with family and friends who still use this word, even in the face of factual evidence they still choose to believe the stories and the timelines of their religion because they have "faith". Somehow they think that their "faith" is on equal standing with my knowledge. Or conversely, that my knowledge is somehow substandard to their "faith" because I came to my knowledge through other people's opinions and they have their faith as a gift from God.
Can Pagans have "faith"? I believe that they do use faith when knowing is not possible, not instead of knowing for certain. If one could know the truth, wouldn't they naturally prefer that? Would they give up their "faith" as a placeholder if real knowledge could be put in its place? I have come to see "God" as a placeholder for the unexplained in our universe. When things have an explanation, rooted in science and objective reasoning, then "God" gets smaller. It occupies less space in the mind. But totally eradicating "faith" from my psyche means having to explain every mystery, and some things just can't be explained yet. I can make up my own fantasy about how things might be in an afterlife, but until I get there, I can't possibly know. Therefore, it is wrong for me to tell anyone that I know what will happen after I die. I can only tell what I hope might happen.
As a Unitarian Universalist and as a Pagan, I have met others for whom the word "faith" has some bad history and memories attached. I'm still using my feelings as a barometer, and judging people with "faith" as people who are willfully ignorant, or who are just faking it because it makes them feel better about their current situations. I look back on my two years of involvement and evolution as a member of a church and as a leader in the Pagan community holding Sabbat celebrations and teaching Paganism 101 classes and I realize that I haven't had much positive thought about "faith", but I know that several members still have faith, they still speak freely about their faith. And it makes them feel better. It helps them cope with their lives. It gives them something to hope for in the future.
And what do I have, while I am on the free and responsible search for truth? Disdain and ridicule for those who still have faith that things will be brighter, that there is still hope for the human race. Maybe we are capable of receiving messages and inspirations from ancestors, guardians, spirit guides, Gods and Goddesses, Anunnaki , the Ascended Masters, Maybe it would be good for me to explore these options and try to exercise a bit of "faith" again. What could be the worst thing that would happen? Someone like me can come along and ridicule me for exercising hope for things which are not seen, and that would make them a jerk.
No comments:
Post a Comment