I really hate this phrase. I heard it twice today, and it made me cringe with memories of the admonishment to "pretend I know things that I don't know." Today's context was to let go of my definitions of faith and allow myself to take part in the rituals and beliefs of others, even if I don't personally agree with their views. I think this is a mistake. Taking a passive approach and quietly accepting the views imposed without contradiction and without resistance is not something I can do. I don't go to church anymore for a specific reason. I decided that I could no longer support their views and passively sit through their services as if I was a believing member of their church. My physical presence there led others to believe I was one of them, that I believed what they believed and that I could be counted among them. I chose to remove myself when I stopped believing their version of religious belief.
Some people chose to stay in, and be that "secret unbeliever". They actively choose keep feeding the religion, keeping their families happy, keeping the expectations up, attending their classes, doing the work. They are pretending. They are putting the happiness of others ahead of their own. They are catching moments of happiness here and there: a baptism, a wedding in the temple, watching loved ones accepting calls to perform missionary work. And they stay in because leaving would cause so much pain, and so much division in their families. They stay, even though they don't believe. And for some, when they seek counseling from the "clergy" (lay people with no actual credentials in ministry or counseling), they are told, in essence, "Fake It". Actually, what they say is, "Read. Ponder. Study Scripture. Pray". This is a -nothing- answer. And what they are subtly teaching you is to ignore your feelings and glom onto the feelings of others. Let their happiness be your guide. And don't, under any circumstances, share your doubts and your unbelief with any of them.
I've stayed out of that church and away from that religious system in order to be true to myself. One of the things I have consistently liked about my current church home is the recitation of a mantra: May our reason and our passion lead us to be true to ourselves, true to each other, and true to what we can, together, become. I've always liked this statement. Today I had this statement challenged with what, I feel, is a contradiction. "Fake it till you make it". Sorry. I can't pretend that I know what others believe they know. I did this for many years growing up, hoping for some sign, some personal revelation that what I professed to "know" in my religious life would actually be revealed to me as true, and not just an exercise in faith. That word, "faith", has come to mean the belief in things we are taught from a young age and that we hold on to no matter what contrary evidence reveals itself later in our lives. Our social standing in the church was measured by the strength of our testimony of faith in the teachings of that religion, which we took turns professing to one another on the first Sunday of every month. We were really very proud of ourselves for our faith, for our understanding of the structure of the One True Church, and for our belief that we were a "peculiar people" hand selected in the Latter-Days to receive the secret gnosis withheld from the common Christians, whom we sought to convert to "our" brand of Jesus gospel and restored "true" church of Christ. How arrogant.
I refuse to go back to this "Fake It" style, and yet.....
I have a spiritual struggle. I have tried to live as an atheist, even a militant atheist that willingly ridiculed the very idea of religion altogether. I have spent many months attacking religious beliefs as harmful to society, and indeed, many of them are dangerous. And yet.....
I have a desire for a spiritual practice, one that speaks to me and one that I can participate in fully with a group of people who "get it". I have found a comfort zone within the Unitarian Universalist Church where I can exercise this muscle and get the nourishment that I need, in some respects. As a matter of personal principle, I have refused to sing or say the word "amen" during any church gathering. Everyone knows this about me and accepts this choice, with no pressure and no guilt or shame against me for declining to participate. I don't stand about with my arms crossed and frown, but I do have one line I won't cross willingly, and thankfully, I am under no requirement to do so. There are no rights of passage that I will miss for my failure to believe. I won't miss baptisms, christenings, weddings or other gatherings because of my refusal to conform to a belief. This brings me great comfort. I feel like I can participate in this community.
Today's remarks from the pulpit made me feel uneasy, and a bit ashamed for being that person who sometimes points out the absurdity of religious beliefs. I felt that I was being pressured to let go of my unbelief and my resistance and let down my crossed arms and participate in the rituals once I learn to let go of the definitions surrounding "faith". It put the problem back in my lap, and made me be the one to have to resolve it and get around it to "get along" with the rest of society. I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I should have to do this. I would rather just not be there in the first place, let them have their rituals, let them believe their wishes are heard by some old Father figure in the above that listens and cares. I have enough life experience to know that if there were some such figure to pray to, he or she does not listen and does not step in to stop horrible things from happening. And because they don't, they are not worth praying to in the first place.
Pretending that you also believe in the same things your neighbors and friends believe just to not make waves and not start conflicts is not being true to yourself, in my opinion. And even if it made me feel good for the short time I was with them, it would eventually come back to me as a time I was actually "fake". Worse, it would be stacked among all the other times I was "fake" and used to convince me that I must have truly believed at some point, and then I have been a liar ever since the day I stopped believing. That is the fight I have today with those who knew me then, those who still see me as one who 'secretly believes' but has been persuaded by some evil force and has been led astray temporarily. See, they remember that I can "fake it". And they would rather have that version of me back in their lives than what they have now: A person who is living true to themselves and who has ceased remaining quiet in the corner, passively accepting and helping others maintain the status quo. That's who they miss and who they want.
I'm not going back. It causes a lot of grief and heartache but I won't go back. It's like being asked to live in a box the rest of my life and I just can't do it. Being true to oneself often comes at the expense of others, but it has to happen eventually or you live your life splintered, always working to please someone else, Mental illness springs from this fountain, and I've seen it happen far too often to ever want to go down that road.
No comments:
Post a Comment